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Sunday, March 21st, 2004

(2 baby mices | what are feces?)

Time:5:24 pm.
Mood:glowing.
babybluesedanx

i'm not promising long entries. or any entries at all. really.

you dig? add.

Friday, March 19th, 2004

(9 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:(NOT) HYPOTHETICAL
Time:1:38 am.
if i said i had a new livejournal floating around out there, how many of you would want to read it?

this is NOT a shameless plug.

Monday, September 15th, 2003

(5 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:in case you were wondering...
Time:11:44 pm.
a couple daily life type thing updates. this hasnt happened in awhile.

in true college spirit my mug of green tea was left out too long. meaning days. and there are blue mold dots floating in it. i photographed.

squirm club seems like a little much. (squirm is the porn club on campus, that puts out a magazine with softcore photos and erotic writing.) ill start phocus and see if i like that better. and i could always contriubte to squirm and not really be in the club.

first paper i wrote i got back today and i was completely shocked i did okay. im not exagerrating when i say i didnt write a single paper all of senior year.

i canceled my work study today and slept. i feel guilty. but after last nights 5 page soc paper and yesterday's field trip for geo class i deserved it. everyone thought this trip was going to be easy- itturned out to be rock climbing. i didnt think it was safely done at all. what if i was afraid of heights? we had no warning it was going to be so intense. it rains while we on top of this cliff and the wet rocks going down, i was slideing. im sore allover today. working out tommorrow am with elisha should help. [remind me not to do another outdoor vassar activity- between that and the BSC camping trip. seems really apparent im a city girl.]

Saturday, September 13th, 2003

(what are feces?)

Time:5:23 pm.
side note, the journal is friends only. it has been for awhile, now it's official.

Monday, September 1st, 2003

(1 baby mice | what are feces?)

Subject:he fixed my closetttttttttttt
Time:5:01 pm.
today i started to learn. classes seem like a lot of reading but not nearly as intimidating as i thought. i walked all the way over to my work study, child care across raymond ave, and it was closed. erf. but i like being busy and walking around. i like all the things to take care of.

e and i have been trying to figure out what's going on. it's already hallcest. and quite a task to figure out. i appreciate his honesty- i could write out the details of what's going on; and if he read it, it wouldnt be a problem. and i am able to say everything i need to. i like him a lot. probably more than he likes me.

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

(3 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:at vassar
Time:7:50 pm.
at vassar. and losing all big words and the ability to focus... but, ill try, just to tell people that read this im alive and well. ill be a little ambiguous and just document for myself-- 4 days. it took 4 days. it would be a bigger deal for me at home but here it's just get over it liz. speaking of, i miss home a lot. ive talked to some home people. speaking of, ive met new people. all really overwhelming. i cant say it's amazing. im not feeling amazing. but it'll just take me a little longer. i hope my classes work out. im waitlisted for something. books are really expensive. massages are good. yeah.

Sunday, August 24th, 2003

(what are feces?)

Subject:i never guessed you were a computer nerd
Time:2:43 pm.
Mood:anxious.
im getting set.

hard drive defragged. check.
one more cyber session with n. cheeeeeeeck.


ive waited for this and it's my turn to be self absorbed. if im not the best at keeping in touch, know that im busy and getting adjusted. and i couldnt be here without you all. i mean that. ill miss you and ill be home in 2 months. it's too hard to judge how ill react to a change like this-- if ill write loads in this journal and email and call or completely ignore you. this is my apology in advance in case its the latter.

other than that, i cant wait to meet you new vassar people!

i get one more hour with my computer then it needs to be packed up.

Friday, August 22nd, 2003

(2 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:diversity......
Time:12:21 am.
Mood:dreadlocks <3.
sad entry:

i learned some things:

1. dont wait until after your summer job to start talking to the people you thought were cool.
it's frustrating. im leaving. theyre leaving. we'll all be involved with other people when we finally meet up again. not even mentioning last night with someone else (see below happy entry,) ive been talking to alex, a counselor, for over 2 hours online. he's asian and has big ears and a cute funny streak. very open and easygoing... i like him. and he reminded me to bring a deck of cards to college and told me about the beauty of fluff and nutter sandwhiches. wow i like him. this still goes under the sad entry subtitle though. leaving and such. and starting too late and such.

2. try not to gossip. gossip is bad; you dont even realize.
especially when a year later people are still talking about you. and just when youre over it, some asshole reminds you people at work talked about you today. it has lost the draw of being flattering. i just dont want to hear about it anymore. especially when it's like "nooo she didnt; she's all straightedge. the ceramics lady? no way." fuck you all. you dont know me at all. it just hit me wrong tonight i guess. it really really bothered me.

happy entry:

1. picnic with luke, eevee, jen and chris. ill miss. supermarket shopping wont lose it's beauty until im a mom and have to bring kids along. i still cant believe they cut the cake with a metrocard! so many germs! but so new york. i hope there's no west nile in central park because im all bitten up.

2. gary was shot down by ms firing squad. no, you cannot have my number. funny stuff. he waited all day to use that line on me too. "i should have predicted it, shot down by ms firing squad."

and the best for last,
3. mmmmmmmmm. im still moaning. i love that contrast on your skin, baby. im about to burst but i cant keep my mouth shut. im not supposed to tell. who said they dont go for black guys? rawr. oh boy. i wish it was real. too late for it to happen for real. but good enough and crazy enough for it not to matter.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

(2 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:^^^^
Time:3:32 pm.
big news, I PASSED MY ROAD TEST! I can drive!! in my eyes the license is for emergency purposes only. I don't want a car and I cant drive. and NOT in new york city streets anymore for awhile.

things are all coming together for me. it's amazing. im getting my act, and act it is, together before college.

yesterday was the last day of work. the goodbye was strangely comforting after I hated it so much. I hugged many, i got to everyone I wanted to say bye too, gary even (but that was more to give the poor guy closure and get him to shut up.) cant wait to email them in a few months for updates. and,, i cant wait to tell my bosses who hugged me too that I aint coming back next summer. unless...

I think im way tired of the place when I find out they took filthy ceramics clay cookie cutters and brought them to cooking. theyre cheap in the weirdest ways- but they buy a huge splash park. and send kids to cancun at the same time there's a septic problem and the camp smells like shit.

being home during the day is boring. im getting sleepy and i havent done anything.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

(4 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:camping? for the straight guys? i think you have your priorities straight.
Time:12:08 am.
one more day of work. vassar one week from today. i need more superlatives. more synonyms for excited.

get this... there's a porn club and magazine! i think i picked the right school.

i saw dara tonight. my new big sister. amanda got me presents (late b'day) for college. really thoughtful things. like a manhattan picture book with post it notes of places we'd been. more friends to see. i have to get together a picnic. i feel normal!

physically this summer was pretty miserable. at times "summer" was nonexistent. no cool vacations , no summer romance. but im still beyond happy where i am right now. i like who i turned out to be after high school. the things im into. the people i know. i like how i talk to people. and i have complete confidence college will prove better for me.

Friday, August 15th, 2003

(4 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:journalists like to name things
Time:8:24 pm.
I beat you all. 26 hours without electricity. the last 12 or so hours with no water. no shower in 90 degree weather without AC. but I went to work- a little stinky. but it's all good. better that than look at my parents and brother in the dark all day.

the kiln turned off with the electricity out for a few hours upstate. so all these kiddies didn't get their ceramics. did I particularly care… no. I was fuming-- sooooooo mad at my replacement boss (Rhonda) yesterday when she told me a "suggestion" from a division director about how I run the room and put projects on the shelves. hours later i went back to talk to her about how insulted I was. she was very receptive and agreed the person who said this had no idea what they were talking about and shouldnt have assumed projects dont go right in the kilns, etc (too confusing to type out.) rhonda tried to be nice; it's a bunch of bullshit though. she didn't care.

no staff party for me.

the blackout makes you into someone with wishful thinking. or wishing for someone to shower in the dark with. at least camera batteries and smoothies. just me? maybe. but last night I just went to sleep at 9:30. I was bored and figured I could just catch up on sleep. and all I could think about was jared in Nantucket with college friends this week. and this black out 2003 made me very concerned for his virginity. on this dark night with the girl that liked him. I realize im not at all over him. but what can I do about it. it's pathetic and sad and it's been wayyy too long and I see that. but I cant help it. there's no one else for me to think about.

I have complete confidence in myself that college will get me over him. it's just difficult now because it was absolutely masochistic to go back to our place from last summer. where we met, kissed, etc. and other counselors know him.

ill be fine in 10 days. complete confidence ill be more than fine in 10 days. and it's better, because if I was happy or in love or something now, it'd be harder to leave. im emotionally ready to leave home. ill miss my brother the most, so what does that say.

adults are jealous im going to college. they smile about how much i have going for me.

Monday, August 11th, 2003

(3 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:^ ^ ^ ^
Time:10:02 pm.
i got my external hard drive today. and ordered my mp3 player. im getting ready for college. and i think i could totally work at circuit city!

i actually had a decent day at work. the kiddies had the camp olympics so we arts staff had free time. i hung out with dara and painted scenery for the play. we talked about girl stuff. the arts staff is getting close.

see i was a different kid-- camp olympics-- i would have HATED it. a change in schedule, new people, new counselors, face paint, singing, sports-- i would have gotten so nervous. but these kids love it. all decked up in the colors and singing the cheers. go figure.

im in a debate with my dad about this modeling scout that gave me her card. im really flattered and of course id never ever consider it. but the debate with my dad- he thinks it's a scam, which it is monetarily speaking, but it's still a real modeling company. he thinks it'll be some porn place once girls go there; he's not joking. he'd even bet me $30 bucks that the number is not the same as the real modeling company name this one is using, etc etc. it's confusing. but my dad thinks everyone is out to get you. no trust in the world.


interviewCollapse )

Saturday, August 9th, 2003

(10 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:madness
Time:7:36 pm.
WHY WHY am i not at the warped tour?

and you know what i did today? shopping (ew) at preppy places (ew.) with someone who thinks indie music might possibly be good charlotte. i was like no lesser known bands. he asks... mest, green day? arggh.

it was like explaining... i dont know what.. to i dont know who. faith, i actually showed him Filler, and the part about "how to be a pretentious indie kid" just so maybe he could believe there is music past nirvana. but after he was looking in Strand for the Preppy Handbook i wanted to crawl into a crack in the floor.


my brother is mad at me because i told him he was pathetic for sitting at home so much.

but somehow i dont feel much better. did i say yesterday i wasnt going to settle? it's more difficult actually. i need to meet new people.

off to eat dinner and watch Gummo for the kazillionth time.

Friday, August 8th, 2003

(what are feces?)

Subject:~ ~ ~ ~
Time:10:52 pm.
interviewCollapse )


ive decided not to settle. when i see people in love and waiting working for them, i start feeling like i should do the same.

maria bought me a ring, a matching one as hers, so the ring everyone hates that ive warn for 3 years i think will finally be replaced. she's home from WA and she had quite the inspiring time. in such an unexpected way.

Thursday, August 7th, 2003

(2 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:oops i farted again.... oh baby baby baby i just gave it a push.. i didnt know it was that seriouuss
Time:11:06 pm.
my brother was playing with my digital camera in movie mode. it picks up sound, so he decided holding it against his butt and recording his fart to play over and over would be a smart idea. it was. i laughed. he's my hero.

adults seems to be jealous im going to college. they smile like im starting the best time of my life and they wish they could go back. they say i have so much going for me and then are truly impressed when they hear i have a summer job too and etc etc. think theyll ever realize it's a big joke? im just typical. and im getting more typical by the minute.

maria comes home tomorrow. im making little marks on my calendar when people come home from their vacations. im jealous and bitter of people not working and traveling. but postcards and voice mail help.

Wednesday, August 6th, 2003

(4 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:from dreameddisaster
Time:11:21 pm.
1. how can you work with little kids all long without going completely crazy? is it a job you would do again? or are you so sick of children that you do not want to see another one within several feet of you for a long, long time?
apparently, im "patient." i have a talent for it. not so so much kids, but teaching ceramics and all the organization that goes along with kiln firing. it's possible id do it again, if they paid me a lot more. it's addicting in some weird way. it's my 4th summer with kids and i always say i hate it. but i end up doing it again.
2. what 5 tv shows do you watch the most often? 5 movies? 5 favorite books?
the only tv shows i watch are ER, daria, and beavis and butthead. really nothing else. id rather go online.
movies: donnie darko, american beauty, gummo, full metal jacket, fight club... i think. i know im missing something good. oh! the shawshank redemption too!
books: flowers for algernon, maus, our town, nine stories (jd salinger)... that's just 4.. that's all i got.
3. where do you go when you want to be alone?
my room. sometimes the park near my house.
4. what types of music do you listen to the most? the least?
the most: emo/ punk/ indie/ weird al. the least: rap/ country... bad stuff...
5. do you think we all die alone? why/why not?
physically, yes. alone, without a soul, no afterlife, a rotting pile of flesh.

(2 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:19 days? 19 days!!
Time:11:04 pm.
one of my vassar roomates emailed me and she sounds so... happy. and she has a boyfriend and a car and a peter pan quote at the end of the email. but in an extremely good spirited way. and very generous. invites us to her country house nearby. im going to test my limits and be as openminded as possible. im so excited about everything. ive never been this excited to go somewhere.

i had this pseudo double date thing. i had to take a guy at work to a movie because i lost a bet. dont even ask. but he's cool. and jen and chris came. and theyre cool. heh. im sounding disgusting in my sleep deprivation. sorry.

Tuesday, August 5th, 2003

(7 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:from gerroffme
Time:11:44 pm.
1. where were you born?
Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan.
2. are you going back to new york for october break?
yes. ill miss people. my family included.
3. can you drive?
yes. in the sense that i took drivers ed and have my learners permit and drove today with my dad. i failed my road test the first time though. i sort of hate driving... it's not my thing, more something i feel like i need to do. driving was never necessary in new york city... and not too necessary in poughkeepsie either. so i dont feel like it's a big deal. and i never got the status thing about cars. ew.
4. what's the best thing you've done so far this summer?
definately peeing standing up
5. do you remember when we visited vassar on the college trip in junior year?
yes! i liked it a lot, i thought it met all my little requirments and i was pleasantly content that i had a chance at getting in... whereas most on the trip looked at it as a dream school. but i didnt have much to go on, i hadnt thought about college realistically at that point. i just put in the back of my mind as somewhere i should apply.

What YOU do:
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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

(4 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:a rushed update...
Time:11:48 pm.
im excited about vassar! it’s actually going to happen really soon. I havent gotten my roomate assignment yet!! ahhh!! im dying here!! I will call them tomorrow. before work. before dentist. ahh too much to do.

this weekend I dreamt about people that I cant have. and I was embarrassed because my dad said I talked in my sleep. hotel room with the family. a vacation to them is let’s go upstate and then to walmart- twice. and creepy antique shops. niiiiice little weekend.

I hope something new, something college cures any kind of emotional problems im having now. I realize ill bring my shit with me, but hopefully in a new place ill get over things a little faster and move ahead a little faster.

im the only one of my close close friends going away from the city. it’s all so weird.

tonight comedy film thing with sarah dreameddisaster! im glad we went, it was awesome. it definately saved my weekend from the parents way of making it feel like a bit of a waste.

im still thinking about that cluttered apartment movie and wondering how true it was.

Friday, August 1st, 2003

(4 baby mices | what are feces?)

Subject:++++
Time:8:57 pm.
Mood:been better.
my weekend plans vaporized. im tired of pulling teeth to make plans. mark was totally unfair to me last night; so i cut it off. nothing tonight. no comedy thing sunday because his friend bailed and then they all dropped like flies. he has no idea what he's missing. yes, that's my way of dealing with it. but it's fiiiiiiiiine.

it would have been nice to have a rebound thing. and for 5 months i sure as hell tried to. but there's nothing. even if college goes all kinds of wrong, it's still new and it's got to be better than my social life here. by default.

so it's friday night and my choices were trip to drugstore or go rent a movie. but im too glued into a lump to do either.

tomorrow morning i go to a place near woodstock, NY with my parents and bro. and im actually looking forward to it. sad? happy! be prepared for my list of toilet humor of the trip upon our return. my brother keeps me sane, i declare.

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